my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
