i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
