This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize