her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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