You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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