your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
