don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
