mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
