Do you still have your period?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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