where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize