Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
