All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
