The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
