I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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