I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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