Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
