Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
