I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Your cock deserves a montage
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
