I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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