Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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