ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
