So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
