I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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