she looked like the before picture.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
