If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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