I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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