you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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