Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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