well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize