NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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