running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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