i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
