I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
