Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
