Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize