Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
