On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
