I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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