Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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