I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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