Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
