Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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