I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
