we have officially lost it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize