Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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