She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
