i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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