Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize