Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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