I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
