I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
