I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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