you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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