I faked an abortion last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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