I hope mine doesn't look like that
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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